Steam Store Proves End Times Here

After three years of being driven crazy, Steam makes major token gesture; resulting in fury, rage, chaos, joy, hope, and insanity
Tuesday, November 22, 2016 - 1:15am
FINAL SCORE: Goats: 27, Virgins: 17, Edison with the Shishkebab, Monkey Bits and Hooks demoted to serve as DMV guest-hospitality specialists, Linux Users tying the match in the third half of the 17th quarter, with a net loss of zero turff. PLAY TO CONTINUE... scheduled for "every day until PLEASE GOD LET IT STOP" time TBA, check local listings. This News of Sport brought to you by your friends at Gentry's Gin.

As if in a direct attempt to destroy our minds with some kind of deranged psychological experiment designed to stress test our pathetic human mind's capacity to endure deprivation, hope, and despair before finally succumbing to complete, raving madness, the Steam Store has finally provided the long-suffering Linux-based users with the forbidden power they have longed and hoped for for centuries.

Like all arcane powers which should be witheld from the confusion and abuse of mortals (to keep them safe from horrific consequences of Divine Ultra-Power disasters caused by we, the mere walking piles of dust who stare skyward and hope for glimpses of Their Glory), the Steam Store has done its best over the last two years to prevent us from this ultimate feature.

The First Era of Divine Disfavor fell like a cloak of cataclysmic darkness, striking we, the Followers of the Penguin, at the throat like a bolt of lightening, when the Steam Store cast us into chaos and despair by removing the holy and beloved icon from the supported OS section of all their titles. Yes, they replaced the benevolently patient, inscruitably loveable, slightly cross-eyed Tux icon with an utterly incomprehensible (and, for a long time, truly unparseable) deranged abomination gangster-chain medallion of text which confusingly read "SteamPlay" adjacent to the Steam gear icon.

For months, this terrifying rebuke from above was, in fact, almost totally ambiguous: many times, this symbol referred to games that did not currently (nor ever had any plans) of functioning on Linux. It was a world of random, terrible, confusing chaos, filled with great violence, and terrific darkness, as we struggled through the endless lists of titles, one at a time, interpreting the (frequently equally ambiguous and confusing and misleading and very frequently totally incorrect) game's complete store page... holy runes, confusing, and filled only with curses for us and our kind.

Thus, The Best Linux Games Podcast was forced into existence; spawned directly from the bile-filled heart of this insane chaos, it's infant screams began to serve as a beacon for the faithful. This tiny beacon continued through The Second Era of Divine Chaos, as the Store's ability to accurately generate a list of games which did not hate us vascilated wildly in its reliability, accuracy, and utterly hatefel deceit of false-positives.

Our modest monks and priests prayed till their voices were ragged from the years of insane silence from above to end this violence against the Tux People, begging through deranged hopelessness for the unthinkably complex and Sampo-like wonderfulness of a fucking checkbox (SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE) that would communicate our wishes to view only the titles that TRULY ran on Linux.

A crazy and blasphemous desire, indeed! Such a complicated interface would take a billion years to be carved by ALL THE GODS of ALL TIME (and they were busy bowling and pissing and trying to find their ways out of mazes and other things). "A CHECKBOX?! INDICATING YOU ONLY WISH TO SEE GAMES FOR ONE OPERATING SYSTEM?!!" Thunder. Lightening. Volcanoes. Plagues. And most of all, the GREAT SILENCE of many more months as the gods checked their voicemail and starched their tuxedo collars. UNTIL NOW.

Yes, my friends: the Steam Store has at last unveiled their greatest and most impossible achievement ever: a checkbox that allows you to express your preference to see titles that are ACTUALLY AVAILABLE ON YOUR OS. Many virgins were sacrificed, and many goats were used, and shameful drunk texting occured in great abundance. It was not until the bleary, hungover, shame-defiled, goat/virgin littered morning of judgement that the Demonic Vision of the GEAR OF PAIN APPEARED.

Thus, it spaketh:

Foul unworthy defilers of goats and wasters of perfectly good virgins (to whit: Linux Users): we gave you this checkbox you have longed for so despairingly in your miserable despairing darkness. But we have done so ONLY TO SHOW YOU MORE PAIN (which we find amusing, because, frankly, we are fucked up monsters, and find your prolonged agony and insane goat-raping absolutely HILARIOUS): the power of your Fabled Checkbox is limited exclusively to the hopeless wasteland of YOUR "Discovery Queue." Enjoy learning to use one of the WORST AND LEAST USEFUL WAYS TO PICK YOUR GAMES, for now, even though you are able to select only one operating system to populate the pool of available titles, WE CONTROL (more so than ever) the titles you can actually choose from! From the grains of the Sahara, you have chosen your certain 23 percent of sand... NOW AGONIZE (bwa. ha. ha. ha...) YES, AGONIZE AS *WE* determine which 12 grains will be revealed to you, ONE TWEAZER AT A TIME... OF YOUR OWN DESIGN!

And verily, many monkeys dressed in the costumes of human clowns descended upon the faithful, terrorizing the children with their awful arms (which ended in hooks, terrifying, hooks, on which the children found... a hook!). The virgins thus reanimated (and absolutely disinterested in the Faithful - having been converted into undead harpies by the evil Steam Monkeys), the undead donkeys began ravenous rape assaults on, well... basically anyone they could catch. And, at the height of the twisted, insane, satanic, horrifying, O'Henry-esque, "hahaha FUCK YOU MORTALS," kind of demi-hogarthian , hook-monkey undead rape-goat/donkey religious virgin-harpie Civil War portrait, the stage split in two, mirrored from above, as the Busbee Berkely chorus girls of mechanized doom descended from the staircases flown in from the background, and, as the fireworks began going off (the three seperate marching bands screaming "The Stars And Stripes Forever," some on bagpipes, as each musician fired their pistols into the opposing band), and the gigantic mechanized robots commenced to grapple on the distant horizon weilding pomade and switchblades (parelling the action in the very foreground, where Edison, Tesla, Oppenheimer, and Wayne Newton careened at each other, mounted on unicycles, jousting towards each other weilding chainsaws and adult rubber novelties in a hellishly inept attempt at geek-born carnage-fail)... well, it was at THAT VERY MOMENT that this column broke the insanity meter, leaving it's readers only with the chilling warning that it would return next week.  

-Seth "Fingers" Flynn Barkan is the author of "Blue Wizard Is About To Die," and is the host of the Best Linux Games Podcast, a weekly audio podcast covering only the best games available for the GNU/Linux Operating System. Which will own you, SUCKAH! (he can be contacted via twitter @Vegaswriter or by sending a message directly through Steam to "skookiesprite")